


Un lugar en las estrellas

by PumpkinBird



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 03:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11546349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinBird/pseuds/PumpkinBird
Summary: "Sometimes we need to believe in something."





	Un lugar en las estrellas

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Un lugar en las estrellas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5407787) by [PumpkinBird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinBird/pseuds/PumpkinBird). 



> Hey, thanks for being here. As you can see, this is a translation of one of my works (my favorite one, indeed) my native lenguage is spanish, so if someone wants to help me to correct my english grammar, I would thank you so much (if you want, you can let me a review writting me how to correct my mistakes. I will thank you so much for that!) (or let me a review about anything, that would be cool too!)

* * *

 

**Un lugar en las estrellas**

_A place in the stars_  

You are standing on the railing you climbed ten minutes ago, the fingers of your hands are hurt by the rusty and icy metal. The lights from the cars dazzle you, your instincts ask you to cover your eyes with your arm, but you don’t do it because you fear you might fall. You think it's ridiculous, because you're here to jump.

Maybe that's the difference: You will not fall, it will not be an accident.

You do not know much about it but you expect everything to happen very fast, you expect to die while you fall or hope no to feel the pain for more than half a second when your skull breaks against some car's hood. Firstly they would think that it has been an accident, that you have crossed the street without looking to both sides, without thinking it is a freeway. Then, the family inside the car will be so alarmed that they'll ignore that you had fell over and that it was impossible they could have hit you with the front. Someone would scream when they see your blood and your disfigured body. The woman and the kids inside the car will cover their eyes with desperation.

You think it, but you are still gripping with force the metal over your head, keeping the balance to not fall by accident, it will not be an accident.

You look at the cars, there are too many lights coming from them, and the sounds keep you deaf to your own cries, but the smoke can’t do anything with your blurry eyesight you got because of the tears.

Then someone will scream and you wouldn’t have time to turn over or even to try to let go off the metal, because a hand will grab you by the sweater and will pull you back. Your head will bounce on the ground two times and your vision will turn black for three seconds. You’ll hear his screams but you wouldn’t understand what he is saying. The man who has pulled you off the edge and has returned you inside of the pedestrian bridge will be no more than a boy around your age. His voice will shake when he phones 911 trying to get you an ambulance or a police patrol. He’ll not know what to ask for.

Your vision will clarified within minutes that will feel like seconds, you’ll open your eyes and the first thing that you will see are the flashes in the sky.

Then you will feel a hand in your arm and the sound of an ambulance in the distance, and you’ll see red and blue flashes reflected in the metal near your head. Someone will be debating between putting you on the stretcher or get you to the patrol. Another voice will mention that your head is bleeding and someone will say that is not a deep wound, but that there could be an internal damage.

Then you will not know how or when you have reached the hospital, and you will try to look again at the starry sky, but you will see nothing more than a white ceiling with spotlights that will dazzle you again.

Someone will call your father and the phone will ring for four times before he answers. The cigarette will fall out of his mouth and the bottle off of his hand, he’ll hear what you have done and how you are. Your father will listen in silence.

The kid who had grab you by the sweater will be in the waiting room for no apparent reason, his red bicycle parked in some corner under the April’s rain that has begun to fall. He will look at his phone several times a minute, worried that his mother will receive the message of where he is, without giving much detail. He will also be worried about you.

You will spend that night at the hospital, and the next morning you will be discharged. They will talk to your father about a psychiatrist who you know he cannot pay for. You will walk slowly out of the room, as if you want none of that to be happening. You will arrive at the front desk and your father will make sure that the family insurance he got for fighting in Vietnam will cover your hospital expenses. Your eyes will look elsewhere and your fingers will play with the edge of your shirt, then you will raise your face when you hear footsteps approaching you, and your eyes will meet another pair a little darker.

The boy will smile at you as if he didn’t have permission to, as if he wanted to, but he was not sure about. You will not recognize him for a second, but then after a minute your face will change a little, maybe a sparkle in your eyes and a paler tone on your skin. You will not know if you should be grateful or angry with him for have stopped you last night, but you will opt for the second option.

" _Hello, my name is Brendon,"_ he'll say it the same way that he smiles. You will look at his smile and your mind will not have anything to tell him, although your hands will close into fists that the next second will go to his stomach when you jump on him and both are on the floor. A nurse will call security while the receptionist will ask you both to stop; Your father will then pull you by the shirt and hair at the same time, and there will be blood on your lips because you’ll have bitten them.

The boy on the floor will look at you with his eyes full of surprise, but not fear, and then you will burst into tears.

The next day you will be inside your father's car looking at the trees outside the window, your hair falling in tufts over your face, the radio off and your father without having mentioned a word. He will park the car in a place for disabled people, even though you have nothing broken and the bullet he received in the left leg a few years ago has already healed. Both of you will get out of the car and your steps will weigh you down. You’ll lower your eyes because you know that if you don’t do that you will cry. You’ll enter the church for the first time in eight years, your father's brown shoes will stop, telling you to stop walking as well.

The bishop will come to meet you, and your father will say some things you don’t want to hear and so you’ll end up looking at the group of guys who were singing in the choir. Your eyes will study them for a second before stopping on a pair of brown eyes.

The bishop will say something and he’ll pat you on the shoulder, the choir children will observe you as if trying to read through you, learn by heart your face and know your whole story.

Then all of you will take seats in front of the image of a crucified man of whom you remember nothing but know that you have seen before. The bishop will sit you in the middle between a girl who will pretend that you don’t exist, and a boy whose eyes you’ll never forget. The boy will smile, and this time instead of trying to hurt him you will only look down and see your hands for the rest of the religious mass.

At the end of the day, when everyone goes home, you will see the boy lift an old red bicycle and look at you before he smiles, you will look at his face and this time you’ll be the one who will try to read him because you don’t understand. But a few seconds later the hand will return to your shoulder, you will raise your eyes away from that other pair, and the bishop will ask you to follow him.

You will stay another hour listening about that crucified man and the miracles he has done. At half session you will interrupt and try to explain that you do not understand anything, that you don’t know why they have taken you there and that you don’t know who that God they are talking about is. Then the man will become serious and will mention the word _suicide_ , and after that you’ll remain silent.

The days will pass and your father will still taking you to church, you’ll sit in the same spot as the first time, but on your left the girl will not do it ever again; instead, that boy, Brendon, will always be by your side.

_"Religion doesn’t make much sense, it gives you something imaginary making you think it's solid. It works like a placebo, it's nothing, but by believing in it, it makes you feel it is. "_

_"But your problems will remain there, they will not disappear or cease to be problems. What's the point then? "_

Brendon will look at you and you'll try to read him again while you look at his brown irises, but you'll only see a lot of nothing and that will only frustrate you.

_"Sometimes we need to believe in something, when there is no hope or you are scared. We need to believe there's something else out there, and for some reason that makes sense"_

Then you will think of your mother and the bottles of alcohol your father has lost interest in hiding from you, you will think of the starry nights and then you will think of Brendon's eyes. You’ll think he may be right. Maybe he’s right.

Days will pass and soon your father will forget about the incident, you will have to take a bus on your own to go to the church, and doing so you will not feel it is nonsense anymore because suddenly you will be anxious to see Brendon to keep asking him more and more things. Brendon will shake his hand in the air when he sees you, always with a smile on his face that you will discover you love.

Brendon will be the one who’ll start every conversation, because you’ll do not feel comfortable of do it by yourself, then you'll let him do it and you'll laugh with every joke he says, and you'll dig deeper into each topic that interests you.

The bishop will continue to wait for you after mass, but he will also be the one who will speak most of the times. After a few weeks you will finally understand that this crucified man is the son of God, but you will still not understand the reasons why he has ended up there.

_"His father sent him to die on earth to teach people how to love each other."_

He'll say that, and his words will be meaningless to you, but you'll nod anyway because that's like what Brendon told you before: Sometimes you need to believe in something.

One afternoon in June, Brendon will invite you to ride bikes to a nearby park, you'll be ashamed to tell him that you do not own one because your father has sold it when you turned thirteen. You will not tell him that he has bought two boxes of beer with that money, but you’ll have it in mind. Then Brendon will smile at you and you will not know if the heat you feel is because of his smile or because of the weather, but you will choose to think that it is for the first one, and that’ll make you feel good. He will offer you to follow him to his house, which is no more than four streets away. You will accept only because he has bitten his lips while he has asked you.

He’ll walk by your side as he guides and holds the bike with both hands, you’ll laugh at the things he says and you will forget about the landscapes and the people in the background. Brendon will smile and stop in front of a small and narrow house that for some reason will remind you of your own body. He will tell you to follow him into the garden, but he will also ask you to not speak with a finger to his mouth. Your smile will spread all over your face when you see that he is taking a pink bicycle with a little basket in the front that surely belongs to one of the two sisters he has told you he has.

 _"My brothers do not have their bikes here."_ He'll tell you with shame as he offers to use the pink bicycle so you could ride the red one. You'll laugh out of his blushing cheeks.

Then you both will pedal to that park of which he has spoken about, and the weather will remain just as warm as before while you both compete for who is the faster. You will feel the wind hitting you in the face as it moves your dirty hair, and you will love the sensation that your cheeks are hurting for laughing so hard.

You’ll feel alive, and it’ll feel right.

By the time you return home you’ll find your father lying on the sofa, a broken bottle on the floor and half of it content in his blood vessels. You will not look at him more than a second, instead you will enter your room and close the door, then you will get rid of your shoes, put a CD in the old stereo and start writing a story about a brown-eyed boy on your notebook.

The months will pass and Brendon and you will be like best friends, you will never admit it but you will feel it that way. You will continue to go to church and the bishop will smile when he sees you sing along with the other boys in the choir. You will smile back because Brendon will be by your side and in front of you will be that son of God who is there to save you.

Brendon will get a job in a coffee shop; he will laugh at you in a way that you know is nothing like evil, you will smile and he will return to the kitchen while you open the notebook and continue to write your story.

With his first salary Brendon will invite you to the movies and you will feel bad for not being able to pay even for the popcorn, he’ll say you to don’t worry, and you will end up relaxing while sincere laughter flow from his throat.

That night you will go home and find the lights off, you’ll close the door of your room and go to sleep with a smile on your face, and you’ll dream about starry nights and beautiful lips.

Soon the vacation will be over and Brendon will ask you of what you want to study or what your plans are for the future. You’ll feel the notebook you are holding under your arm and doubting a little you will say that you’ll be a writer. Brendon will give you the biggest smile and say that you will be the best of them all.

Letters from the university will arrive and both will be accepted in, you for creative literature and he for music. Both of you will move into campus because you got a 100% scholarship and he has gotten one that pays the rent and certain things. You will end up sharing a dormitory with a boy named Patrick that like you he doesn’t talk very much, and that like Brendon, he is very good with musical instruments.

At night when you're away, Brendon will know where to find you: you'll be in the cafeteria-bookstore on campus with a black coffee, two books of English literature from the last century and a notebook next to you. You will smile when he takes the seat in front of you and look at you pretending to be angry, then both will laugh and the next day, when you wake up, you will know what to write in your novel.

Brendon will be in the campus’ orchestra and during the second year of university, the director of his career will listen to him and show interested in him. After that, Brendon will not pick you up at the cafeteria anymore because he'll be too busy rehearsing, now you'd be the one to come by and see him when you're not drowning in work.

And the days will pass but their friendship will not go with them, it will continue to grow, and on an April night will be when, in the middle of a conversation, a " _best friend_ " will escape from between Brendon’s lips. You’ll look at him without being able to believe it, and he will smile. Then you will remember his words: " _Sometimes we need to believe in something."_ And so you will do it.

In the fifth semester Brendon will get a girlfriend and you will stop looking for him at the room where he rehearses at night, instead you will stay in the room trying to write while Patrick plays guitar or keyboard. It will be two weeks before you give up on trying to concentrate, then you’ll hide the notebook under the pillow and go to sleep.

You will receive a letter from your mother saying that she loves you and that she hopes you’re ok, you will throw it away and instead you’ll take the phone to call dad because you have not talked to him in years. No one will answer the phone, but you promise that the next afternoon you will try again. You don’t do it.

Brendon will meet this guy called Spencer in his politic classes, first you’ll ask _"what kind of person arranged the curriculum for a musician to take politics?"_ , Brendon will laugh and move his hand carelessly. Then he’ll introduce you to Spencer. You will discover that you and Spencer have many things in common and both of you will spend some evenings laughing at a bad joke on a bad movie while Patrick wipes his glasses thinking that maybe that's the reason for why the joke has not made any sense to him.

After four months of relationship, Brendon will break up with his girlfriend and you will not return to look for him in the studio because you will not feel like you have permission to do so. Brendon’ll tell you that he misses your ugly face falling asleep in the middle of his rehearsal. You will smile and feel a laugh crawling in your chest.

During the beginning of the fifth year Spencer will be transferred to New York for an exchange, you both will accompany him to the airport and will help him load his suitcases. Then he will say goodbye with a hug and wish you both luck with all his heart. Spencer will enter the plane with the biggest smile you've ever seen, and Brendon will shout that he expects a good souvenir when he comes back the following semester.

You two will return to the room and Patrick will be asleep on the table between a pile of books, Brendon and you will laugh in low voices as you both think on how much you’ll miss Spencer, but you will not be sad but happy for him.

Then you’ll go to sleep and the next morning you’ll have to run to classes because Patrick of course forgot to set the alarm and it never rang. You will arrive twenty minutes late and your teacher will look at you reluctantly, but it will not tell you anything because you are one of his best students.

Brendon’s career director will get him a space to play during an outdoor orchestra event, Brendon will invite you and you'll grumble because you'll have to go in a suit. In the end Brendon will sigh and let you go with your old torn jeans and a dress shirt over them, and when he go out on stage you will get up from your seat and applaud while everything is silent. Everyone will look at you as if you are crazy or as if you don’t have any manners, but you will only smile and he will also do so.

Two days later, Patrick will nervously invite you to join him for his " _date with Pete Wentz, the lawyer boy",_ and Brendon will accept even though you say that he will do a third wheel, but then he will say that you’ll go to eat lasagna and you will accept pretending that you don’t care. You will end up sitting eating shrimp pizza in a restaurant not far from there, feeling a little cheated on. But Pete will turn out to be the funniest guy you've ever met and you'll end up believing that the night has been too short and that it should have last longer. At the end of their date, both will give Patrick and Pete some space; Then Brendon and you will sit at the top of the stairs and look up at the stars.

You will notice after some minutes that Brendon has been watching you, then you will look down at his brown eyes, and the next second his lips will be on yours, and yours on his.

That night you will end up writing a whole chapter for your novel.

Spencer will arrive with more suitcases than he took with him when he left, he’ll look at your hand entwined with Brendon's, and he’ll smile harder before saying, _"You will not believe what has happened to me at a Michael Jackson’s tribute concert."_

Spencer will move to the college dorms because his family has simply decided that they will go live in Hawaii for five months, just enough time to come back and see him graduate from his engineering career. His new room will be on the next floor, and the first time you and Brendon go to visit him, a guy with a beard and flip flops will open the door, and he’ll properly presented himself as Jon. Then Spencer will throw a pillow at him and Jon will invite you in while laughing.

Two weeks later, Patrick will receive a letter from another university saying that he has been accepted to study a master's degree as soon as he finishes his career.

The day you receive your next pay check of your scholarship, you’ll bite your lips and leave the campus, you will buy a pair of movie tickets for a superhero movie that you know very well that Brendon wants to see. You’ll return to the room and wait for him to arrive, and when he opens the bedroom door he will greet you with a " _hey_ " and a little pretty smile. Then you will show him the tickets and inside his eyes you will see a starry night.

You’ll end up in a hotel bed, he will be asleep next to you and you will look at the ceiling because you can’t turn off your thoughts. Then you will turn on the lamp on the nightstand and get out the only notebook you have loaded inside your backpack. That night you will write the last chapter of your novel while listening to his breathing.

Five days later, you'll discover that Spencer and Jon have been seeing each other.

Brendon will stop rehearsing in the room where he used to and will not let you know why or where to find him now, so then you’ll look for him but surrender after two hours. You will think about returning to you room because you haven't started yet to work in an important assignment. You will enter the room and you will notice that Patrick and Pete have set up a tent in the middle of the room. You will hear their laughter and their silent kisses. You’ll take your laptop and go to the cafeteria-bookstore to transcribe your novel.

The next weekend Brendon, Spencer, Jon, Patrick, Pete and you will have climbed on a bus without knowing your destination, but hoping to reach the coast. You will end up in a lonely beach that same night, after having taken two other busses because you got lost. It’ll be a cold night because November is coming, but Pete will be your hero because in the end you’ll discover that he has loaded four thick blankets in the enormous suitcase that he has insisted on bringing along.

 _"I'd like to know if there's anything more than just stars up there_." You'll say that with a dreamy air, and next to you Brendon will be looking at the darkness that opens after twilight, and how the night discovers the many stars in the sky.

" _What, looking for life on other planets, Ry?"_ He'll tell you, and you'll hit him carefully on the ribs. Then Brendon will stick closer to you and will cover you better with the blanket. In the distance you’ll hear Patrick, Jon and Spencer talking while Pete still doesn’t give up on trying to set a campfire.

 _"I mean - I'd like to know if when I die I’ll go somewhere, somewhere where I can be something and not be anything. Sometimes I like to think that that place would be in the stars. Not in the sky, but in the stars."_ You’ll say, a touch of melancholy in your words. _"I would like to know it."_

_"When we leave, I know we have to go somewhere. That's what happens when you leave, right? You let your house in search of a home. We’ll go to the stars."_

_"But you could not be sure about it, you cannot be sure that that place exists."_

_"Sometimes we need to believe in something."_ He will say with a smile, then you will sigh and look at his hands enlaced with yours.

_"We can try."_

The day you graduate will also be your friend’s too, and in the prom photos you will be laughing at a joke said by Pete while you hold Brendon's hand. Spencer's parents will have brought him one of those flower necklaces that come out in Hawaiian movies, and he’ll look uncomfortable wearing it in every photo.

That same night, Patrick and Pete will take a flight to New York because that's how they plan to celebrate. In spite of everything, it is a trip that they don’t know when they’ll return from, so they do not know how long their farewell will last. That same night you will receive a package with a sweater and $100 from your mother, you will keep the money inside your notebook and run to the door where Brendon will be waiting for you at the same time that Spencer shouts you to hurry. You all will go out to a party at a bar, and Brendon and Jon will end up singing over a table, _"- Rock your body right, Backstreet's back, alright -"_

Three days later you’ll receive an email from one of the seven publishers to which you have sent your novel a few months ago, and one of them will have agreed to publish it. You will enter the room and find Brendon packing his belongings, but before you give him time to say something, you’ll jump on him and hug him like you have never hugged him before, your heart will beat fast and your happiness will not fit in your small body. Brendon will only have to look you in the eyes once before knowing that they have accepted your novel and then both of you will be jumping on the beds.

And his laughter and your laughter, and his beautiful brown eyes would be the only important things at that time.

 

But Ryan, that would have happened if you had hesitated a few more minutes, if Brendon had taken his bike five minutes earlier, if you had decided not to do it.

It would have happened if you hadn't close your eyes, count to two and your hand haven’t let go off the railing.

But you did it.

And now there are desperate cries coming from a woman asking for an ambulance. And there are blue and red lights flashing in the distance; And from the pedestrian bridge, on his red bicycle, a young boy watch the scene without being able to look away.

Raindrops begin to fall, but there are still stars in the sky.

There are still stars in the sky.


End file.
